Here is a scenario we have all seen:
A mother walks into a grocery store with a 5-year-old at her side, and they start to shop. Minutes later, the child starts taking things without the mother’s permission. After the mother voices disapproval, the child escalates emotionally and throws a world-class tantrum, throws things, hits, yells, and flings their body to the floor.
This example may be on the extreme side of things, but it is a clear case of a child who struggles with impulse control.
You will also see it with kids that:
have a hard time taking turns
have trouble focusing and paying attention
struggle to be organized
give up when they become frustrated
hit others when they are angry
cause havoc in class and take things that don’t belong to them
What is Impulse Control?
While some children seem to develop impulse control easier than others, it is a skill that can be learned and strengthened with practice.
Children are designed to learn through experience.
They explore their world by touching and taking, so it’s hard for them to instinctively know how to stop themselves.
In short, your little one isn’t born with the ability to control their impulses, you have to teach them how to do it.
In reality, we all have impulses that we have learned to control. For example, we control ourselves when we choose to not eat ice cream for dinner, buying everything we want, binge watching our favorite show on Netflix when we have dishes to wash and laundry to sort (still working on this one), and taking things that don’t belong to us.
We weren’t born with self-control, but developed it over time.
Without impulse control skills, children continue to do the first thing that comes to mind without thinking of the consequences of their actions. Over time, impulsiveness can become habitual, making it even harder to help correct when children get older.
What are the Benefits of Impulse Control for kids?
In addition to the obvious benefits of having children that listen to directions and can control their emotions and behaviors, there are added long term benefits for individuals with self-control.
The Marshmallow Test
This famous test measuring self-control was conducted by Walter Mischel, and was published in 1972. During the experiment, 4 and 5 year old children were presented with a treat, such as a marshmallow, and were basically told they could have one now, or wait, and have two later.
Some children were able to wait for the extra treat, while other children were unable to resist the temptation.
When they followed up with study participants later in life, researchers discovered children that showed good impulse control and performed well on the Marshmallow Test:
were better at concentrating as adults
showed increased ability to develop a plan and stick to it
excelled academically and scored higher on their SATs (Scholastic Aptitude Test)
were better at keeping personal relationships
Kids with impulse control are generally well-behaved. They are in charge of their emotions, actions, and reactions. For instance, when asked to do something, they are more likely to listen the first time. If your child struggles with impulse control they are more likely to ignore instructions and perhaps even willfully disobey you.
While this could also be a sign of a strong-willed child, ignoring your instructions is one sign of a lack of impulse control.
Kids who haven’t learned to control their impulses are more likely to break rules, lose control of their emotions, and are more likely to struggle with structure and authority.
They might:
have behavioral outbursts
get siblings in trouble on purpose
take things without asking first
be more likely to experience conflicts with their peers
If this sounds like your child, do not despair. They can learn to improve their ability to control their actions, and have fun doing it. Kids learn by experience, which makes activities the perfect way to help your child improve impulse control.
Impulse Control Activities for Kids
1. Play Board Games
One of the benefits of impulse control is the ability to take turns and wait for others (which is also a crucial social skill).
A great activity we have seen for this skill is playing board games. Games like checkers, chess, memory/concentration, or card games like Go Fish are excellent impulse control activities. We also like that these games help your child develop critical thinking skills and patience.
Want a child who waits for their turn to talk or get something? Start playing board games together. Then, next time he disrupts you when talking to someone else, calmly reference the game and remind him to wait his turn to talk.
2. The Traffic Light Game
While the game is as simple as stopping when the light is red and running when it’s green, there are more complex lessons to be learned. How you choose to implement it could also vary.
For instance, take your child to the playground and ask them to choose the activity they want to start with. The idea is to reach the slide, swig, or sandbox as fast as possible when you tell them to “Go” or say “green light”. If you say “stop” or “red light”, your child has to stop immediately.
You can also use this while walking. If your child goes too far ahead, call their name and say “red light”letting them know it’s time to stop and wait for you.
Add variations to the game to mix things up and make it more challenging, such as adding a “yellow light” where your child has to walk.
Other variations instead of running:
hopping
skipping
running backwards
bear crawl
crab walk
Playing this game with a group of kids can also increase the fun factor.
3. Simon Says
Like the traffic light game, Simon Says doesn’t need a lot of materials. The beauty of the game is you can incorporate any action that will get your little one pumped up and enjoying themselves.
So how do you play?
Easy. Your child simply has to do what Simon says. However, when you tell them to do something without saying “Simon says” they shouldn’t do it. If they do, they’re out.
For instance, tell your child “Simon Says run in a circle,” your little one should get busy running in a circle until you say “Simon Says” again and change the activity. The simple game helps your child improve their listening skills as well as their impulse control skills.
4. Martial Arts
If your child has ADHD or is a high-level energy kid, then martial arts may be a great option for you. Participating in martial arts teaches routines and structure, forces your child to focus on the task at hand, and burns off all that energy.
Definitely a win-win!
Karate and taekwondo have a colored belt system that challenges your child to keep working harder and developing the skills to advance to the next level.
In the process, they learn to be disciplined, learn impulse control, and improve their listing and social skills. Participants also practice taking turns, something kids who lack impulse control struggle to do.
5. Identify Feelings
Sometimes, children act the way they do because they don’t have a good grasp of their emotional state. Helping your child to be aware of his or her feelings is a fundamental step to helping them address their needs and improve their ability to control their impulses.
You can use dolls, books, or cartoons to demonstrate and help kids talk about their feelings. You can also use a feelings poster to help your child practice identifying their feelings.
If you are reading a story about a character that is sad, bring attention to their body language and facial expression. You can ask your child what makes them feel sad and then discuss them what makes them feel better when they are feeling sad.
If the story is about feeling angry, ask your child how they know when they are feeling angry.
Do they raise their voice, do they clench their fists or hit their sibling? Remind them that it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hurt others or destroy things when they get upset.
Identify some strategies that help them calm their bodies down, such as taking deep breaths, or pausing to get a drink of water.
One of the bonuses in the Feelings Detective Kit is an activity where children learn a variety of regulation strategies they can use.
Children can complete the activity and put the activity sheets up in their room as a reminder of the benefits of recognizing their feelings and strategies they can use to calm themselves.
Remember that practicing self-awareness and developing self-control is a continuous process. Children won’t be able to learn everything they need to know about feelings and regulation strategies in one day.
However, as you continue to teach them, you are equipping your child with skills that many people don’t have, even adults – the ability to acknowledge and label feelings and then finding a solution instead of acting out or shutting down.
As an added benefit, through developing habits of exploring and talking about feelings, your child will learn he or she can trust you with their internal struggles, making your bond even stronger.
6. Do Your Own Marshmallow Test
As mentioned above, the Marshmallow Experiment on delayed gratification is fun and easy way to get a sense of your child’s ability to control her impulses.
In the experiment, place a plate with their favorite treat in front of your child, perhaps on a table.
Ask your child to wait for you to finish a quick household chore (lasting up to 10 or 15 minutes), and give them two choices: they can either eat the treat you have given them now or wait to eat later.
If they wait, you will give them an additional treat. Make sure your child isn’t distracted by the TV, radio, book, or a toy.
Leave the room and give your child a chance to think about the choices.
This simple experiment forces your child to think about the disadvantages and benefits of eating the treat now vs. eating it later.
While practicing patience it can also be a great way to bring up a conversation about the benefits of holding off on immediate rewards and earning more for working towards long term goals.
While it may be a natural response to be discouraged if your child eats the treat, don’t shame them for their lack of impulse control. Remember that self-control is a skill that can be developed. Using some of the activities listed in this article is a great way to start.
Final Thoughts About Impulse Control
The above activities are great options for teaching your child to control their impulses. Keep in mind that children benefit by learning naturally through experience.
Encouraging your child to participate in unstructured play allows them to use their creativity and act out things they have been learning.
Practicing what you preach is also crucial here because your kids are always watching.
If they see that you struggle to control your impulses to yell, watch too much TV, or spend all your time on your phone, they will naturally do the same.
Finally, acknowledge when your child has demonstrated an act of impulse control, such as asking for a toy instead of taking it by force. Praising them for their efforts will reinforce their positive behavior and encourage them to try to continue to control their impulses in the future.
